We have been married for almost 16 years. We have two kids, two cars, a boat, (the dog died), and a home in suburbia. We've considered our relationship to be pretty good all these years but, after reading Working on Your Relationship Doesn't Work by Ariel and Shya Kane, it got even better - magic IS possible - and the book demonstrates how. We had always believed that good relationships needed hard work to keep them alive and vital. And, there were times in the past when we worked VERY hard - on ourselves and on each other. The work always showed up as a complaint about something the other of us did or didn't do and then became a project to fix it! We were trying to fit the relationship we had into what our minds told us might be better. That strategy didn't work. It actually created more things to work on. Who wants to be fixed? So, when we saw the title of the Kanes' book, we knew we had to read it. All we can say is: What a book! As we read it, we found out that creating a magical relationship is really all about our day-to-day willingness to look and discover the mechanical ways we relate to one another without judging what we see. We found out we didn't have to work on or do something to fix anything. As the Kanes suggest, theirs is a transformational approach to creating magical relationships. At first we didn't know how to just look without judging. It was a bit challenging for us to take this approach. And we realized for the first time that part of each of us really didn't want to give up the righteously being right dynamic. But, the Kanes suggested that it could be done and that we would be happy with the results if we did. We decided to go for it! The book suggested that we look at the ways we relate through the lens of an anthropologist, simply interested in finding facts, rather than looking and finding fault through the lens of our preconceived notions about what is good, bad, right or wrong - all of which we learned at an earlier age. The promise of the book was that if we could just become aware of our mechanical ways of relating without judging them, our mechanics would lose their control over us and a new possibility for relating at a deeper level would open. The promise was fulfilled. The results have been amazing. And we found that the benefits of what we learned spilled over into our other relationships with family, friends, and those with whom we work. When we looked, sometimes we discovered unexpected gifts each of us had, and other times, we didn't always see things we were proud of. The Kanes' book reminded us of two of the most powerful and healing words in the universe when it comes to creating magical relationships - I'm sorry. The Kanes operate through three basic interconnected principles of transformation introduced in their successful first book, Working on Yourself Doesn't Work. We will leave the surprise and power of those principles, and several addenda they have added, as treasures for you to discover on your own. By sharing their own personal experiences and telling entertaining stories about the experiences of others, the Kanes present the possibility for all of us to discover how we can have that magical relationship we dream about - one that keeps on growing and is rich, intimate and more rewarding than most can imagine. This is a good one - don't miss it. Working on Your Relationship Doesn't Work, A Transformational Approach to Creating Magical Relationships
If there is one thing this book is about, it is possibility. My eyes were opened to ideas that I never could have imagined on my own that have led to a richness and fullness in my relationship I never thought was possible. The Kanes have incredible insight into what makes relationships work and what does not and their idea that simply being aware of how you relate leads to magic in your life is absolutely true - I've experienced it.
I'm certain that without the concepts in this book, my relationship with my girlfriend would have ended many times. Just becoming aware of how I avoided intimacy (chapter: Sex and Intimacy) and how I was more interested in being right than actually listening to the woman I love has shifted everything dramatically (chapter: Surrender vs. Succumb). There were times when we thought we really didn't like each other until we looked at the subtle, and not so subtle, ways we were influenced. For us, this can include speaking to our parents, or to people whose agenda, unbeknownst to them, is to split any relationship (chapter: Relationship Splitters). Once we became aware of the effect that other people can have on us, magic happened. Please do not think that we now blame others when we have misunderstandings. On the contrary, I feel more responsible for my life and actions than I ever have before and it is supremely empowering.
Now, we have the ability to be open and honest with each other and to see our relationship with new eyes in every moment. We are not bound by the way we learned to relate (chapter: You Are Not The Story Of Your Life), but we discover how to relate every day. It is an amazing, fun and easy journey (chapter: Fun is Not a Four Letter Word). There is so much valuable information, I wish I had several more pages to write this review.
If I were single, I would want to be with someone has read this book, so whether you are in a relationship or not, I cannot recommend it highly enough.
Working On Your Relationship Doesn't Work takes the insights of the Kanes' earlier book to a deeper level. Written in a conversational, colloquial style, this book presents the Kanes' approach to bringing a transformed life into the context of relationships. The book discusses how our lives transform when we live fully in the present, this moment of now and when we become present and appropriate in all our relationships - those with ourselves and our co-workers, as well as those with intimate or romantic partners.
The Kanes teach through anecdote rather than analysis, citing interactions among people who are practicing living in the moment and whose lives have transformed in the process. Their approach is based on non-judgmental awareness of what is in any given moment, without application of a psychological theory or social standard. We become present as we learn to perceive our own hidden agendas and mechanical behaviors that have governed how we have described ourselves for decades (e.g. "I'm too ___ to attract a good partner" or "I can never do that because of what happened to me").
Many spiritual traditions and movements urge coherents to "become present" or "live in the moment" or something similar. While the Kanes' approach to transformation can dovetail with spiritual belief and practice, it is presented in a completely secular framework, making it easily accessible for anyone, regardless of their spiritual or religious beliefs. As a Christian I find it interesting to see how much spiritual life can be lived without reference to any specific context, how transformation and living in the present are completely available in a practical way, apart from any belief system. - Law Of Attraction - Awareness - Enlightenment - Relationships'
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